Thought I Could
Rachael Gray Hawk
I have tried for years. Tried talking to her. Tried writing to her. I tried.
And she left me in the rain, abandoned like a rusty bike.
I had seen all of her failures. Known all of her flaws. I loved her still.
She let this beast tear apart our family. Threw me to the ground and
laughed in my face. I cried, my voice wracked in pain. I had to fight.
Had to fight back or I would be demolished.
I shook in fear, my fists trembling. He attacked me.
I reacted as any wounded animal would, I bit back.
I attacked him with a ferocity that I had craved for years.
All of the pain, humiliation, and shame he had caused
our family came back to me in that instant.
He pushed me hard. And she did nothing. Sat at the table, drunk.
I screamed, enraged at her carelessness.
Almost like I wasn't even there.
She screamed at me to leave. Go. Get out. My heart broke.
How could you do that to me? You were all I ever loved.
When you love something dearly, it becomes the only thing
that can hurt you, truly hurt you. It becomes heartbreak and betrayal.
And I cried because she was never on my side. His bruises were
left on our skin... She didn't care that he put them there.
Didn't care if we had warmth in the winter...
if we had food in the fridge...
if we had clean clothes.
Our home was rotten. Decomposing and I was dying with it.
I had to leave, my heart was poisoned. I had to leave them
in their ruins. I couldn't save them anymore. I couldn't
keep them safe. I had to leave or I'd die there.
I regretted leaving the instant I got in the car.
My fingers were cold and my heart hurt like it had been
extracted from my chest. The only person I thought I could
trust was the one who was throwing me away.
My heart has never truly healed.
It has been given a second chance.
Only his love could help me through all of it.
Their love was poison. I see it now. I had tried too long
to love her. She was feeding me poison in every
hug. In every lie her lips had the misfortune to tell.
And I HATE, truly Hate, that I miss her so.